Like many wives, there’s only one way I orgasm – my husband hates it

Dear Jana,

I’m 29 and have been married for just over a year. We have a good Sєx life, but I rarely orgasm through penetration alone. I’ve never considered this unusual and sometimes use a vibrator afterwards if I haven’t finished.

My husband discovered this when he came back into the bedroom one night and caught me using it. The way he reacted, you would have thought he had walked in on me with another man.

He demanded to know how often I did it and whether I had been faking orgasms with him. I told him I enjoy Sєx enormously but occasionally need a little extra help. I even suggested we use the vibrator together, thinking that might make him feel included.

Instead, he started calling it my ‘boyfriend’. At first I thought he was joking, but he now makes snide comments whenever he sees it charging. Last week, I found it hidden in the garage because he claimed he was sick of ‘competing’.

The strangest part is that he owns several expensive gadgets designed to help him last longer, none of which I have ever found remotely threatening. Apparently technology is welcome in our bedroom as long as it is working in his favour.

He says he wants to be enough for me and that my using a vibrator after Sєx makes him feel humiliated. 

I understand that his feelings are real but I’m beginning to resent being expected to sacrifice my orgasm so he can feel better about his performance.

Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking (pictured) gives advice to a woman whose husband is intimidated by her vibrator 

How do I reᴀssure him without allowing his bruised ego to dictate what I do with my own body?

Buzzed Off

Dear Buzzed Off,

If you just felt the earth shift slightly beneath you, it was most of the female population rolling their eyes in unison at your husband’s reaction.

He is acting far too precious.

Newsflash: sometimes a woman just has to get the job done herself. And may I commend you for making sure you do.

So many women just roll over unsatisfied. I know when I was your age, I did. But I am living for the new generation who remind us all that if men get to reach climax, so do we!

Now, about this ‘demanding’ business. We don’t let men demand anything from us – least of all what we do or say. And we certainly don’t let them hide our toys! Gloria Steinem didn’t fight for our rights just so an insecure man could try to take them away. 

A woman who rarely orgasms through penetration writes to Jana about her Sєx life. (Stock image)

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I would suggest to him that if he doesn’t want to compete, he should up his game. Tell him he needs to start tuning in to what you like, or better yet, ask! Because, despite what porn may have taught him, most women don’t orgasm from being jackhammered for ten minutes while a man awaits a standing ovation.

He should care about what turns you on. He should want to help make you orgasm.

You are perfectly within your rights to feel a hint of resentment. That’s your gut telling you something isn’t right here.

Don’t ignore it, but turn it into helpful words. Communicate that you don’t like his insecurity (and, let’s be honest, misogyny) getting in the way of your orgasms.

It’s time to start pulling the focus back to your pleasure in the bedroom and, if he isn’t willing to do that, I would be hightailing it out of there.

Orgasms are important, not just for a moment of pleasure, but because they also provide stress relief and bonding hormones. If he’s too intimidated to give them to you and isn’t willing to learn, it’s time for him to jog on.

Sheesh, it’s been a while since I’ve been this fired up. But seriously, you have nothing to feel guilty about. His insecurities are not yours to carry.

It’s time for him to put his big-boy pants on (or, in this case, take them off) and learn how to make a woman orgasm.

Dear Jana,

I have been married for 11 years and can’t remember the last time my husband initiated Sєx while completely sober.

During the week, he barely touches me beyond a quick kiss goodbye in the morning. If I try to initiate, he says he’s exhausted or has eaten too much. Yet after a night at the pub, he comes home full of compliments and suddenly acts like I’m the most desirable woman he has ever seen.

I initially enjoyed the attention. Now I find it upsetting because it feels like he needs several drinks before he can bear to be intimate with me.

A few months ago, I decided to test my theory. We went for a romantic weekend away camping and I ‘forgot’ to pack the alcohol. He was affectionate all evening but rolled over and went to sleep the moment we got into bed. The following night, after he had acquired red wine, he polished off most of a bottle and couldn’t keep his hands off me.

A woman tells Jana her husband only ever wants to have Sєx with her when he’s drinking – and only then is he honest about his true Sєxual fantasies. (Stock image)

When I raised it with him, he became defensive and said alcohol simply helps him relax. He works in a very conservative industry and was raised in a strict religious family, so part of me wonders whether he carries some shame around Sєx. But we had no such problem when we first met.

There’s another detail I feel awful admitting. When he’s drunk, he becomes much more adventurous and asks me to play out fantasies that seem to involve him being desired by other men. The next morning, he either claims not to remember or refuses to discuss it.

I love him and I’m not judging his fantasies. I just want to know the sober version of the man I married. 

How do I persuade him to tell me what he actually wants when alcohol appears to be the only thing giving him permission to want it?

Wine Not Me.

Dear Wine Not Me,

As a fellow attendee of a religious high school, I can understand his guilt first-hand.

Obviously, judging by my career choice as a Sєx columnist, I got over it. But I understand how hard it can be to unpack years of being told that Sєx is dirty or wrong. And it sounds like your husband is wound up тιԍнтer than a nun’s handbag.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions, which may be why, when he’s drunk, he can access desires his sober self keeps locked away. The problem is that it sounds like he is borrowing confidence from a bottle. Been there, done that. Many of us have.

But that deep into a marriage, he shouldn’t still be relying on that.

Now, some people may hear that he fantasises about being desired by men and immediately conclude that he must be gay or biSєxual. I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion.

Fantasies can be curious things. Sometimes they reveal something meaningful, sure. But sometimes they’re simply exciting precisely because they bear no resemblance to the life we actually want.

I mean, I occasionally dabble in viewing girl-on-girl porn, but when it comes to dabbling in real life, I’m not interested.

Only your husband can tell you what this fantasy means to him, but you can’t be drowning him in tequila to find out.

I would raise it somewhere completely removed from the bedroom. Go for a long drive or a walk, where he doesn’t have to sit opposite you feeling like he is being interrogated under fluorescent lighting. Tell him you’re curious rather than horrified, but be honest about the effect his drinking has had on you. 

Feeling desired only after your husband has polished off most of a bottle of red would be crushing for anyone.

Side note: I’m impressed he can get it up.

Here’s something slightly left of centre: ask him to write down what he enjoys. You could each make a private ‘yes, maybe, absolutely not’ list of fantasies and swap them. It gives him time to consider his answers without having to announce them aloud while sober and mortified. 

You may discover that there are plenty of things he wants to explore with you once shame isn’t sitting at the end of the bed clutching a Bible.

I’d also suggest seeing a Sєx therapist who understands religious shame. He may recoil at the idea, but 11 years into a marriage, ‘alcohol helps me relax’ is no longer enough of an explanation. 

He needs to learn how to feel desire without getting drunk first, both for the sake of your intimacy and because relying on alcohol as his only route into Sєx could become a much bigger problem.

Approach him gently, but don’t tiptoe around this forever. You have already shown him that his fantasies don’t frighten you. Now he needs to meet you sober and offer the same honesty in return.

Dear Jana,

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve loved wearing women’s underwear. Not all the time, and not because I want to be a woman. It’s just something I’ve always found comforting and, for some reason, it just turns me on.

Over the years it’s grown into more than that. Every now and then, when my wife is out, I’ll try on one of her dresses or a skirt. I look in the mirror for a few minutes, put everything back exactly where I found it, and get on with my day.

But I’m beginning to wonder if I should just own my kink. All these TV shows these days seem so open about stuff outside of the usual vanilla Sєx, and mates at work keep telling me about the Sєx app they’ve been using to meet up for some wild times with people with mutual tastes. 

It’s got me wondering if this kind of stuff is all that taboo any more. And am I missing out by not trying it all out?

We’ve been married for 12 years and I hate the thought that she’d look at me differently if I told her. At the same time, hiding something this big from the person I love doesn’t feel great either.

The thing is, I don’t want to transition, I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I’m still very much attracted to women. This isn’t about wanting to become someone else. It’s just a part of me I’ve kept locked away for most of my life.

Do I finally tell her and risk blowing up an otherwise happy marriage, or do I accept that some secrets really are better left as secrets?

Hidden Wardrobe

Dear Hidden Wardrobe,

It has been a long-held rule of mine that we never yuck another person’s yum (unless it’s illegal or deeply disturbing, obviously). And in this case, I stand by it.

I also agree that taboos like yours are slowly becoming more normalised. Thank God. Life is hard enough without people being shamed over what they choose to wear while doing the vacuuming.

Liking women’s underwear doesn’t automatically say anything definitive about your Sєxuality or gender idenтιтy, and it doesn’t appear to be harming anyone.

Although, we do need to discuss your wife’s wardrobe.

Trying on her clothes without permission may seem harmless because you carefully put everything back, but she could feel violated if she discovers it herself. Particularly if she realises you have been wearing her favourite dress while she was innocently wandering around Woolworths.

First things first: buy your own clothes. You deserve garments that fit properly, and your wife deserves to know that everything hanging in her wardrobe has only been worn by her.

As for telling her, I think you should. Twelve years is a long time to spend hiding such a significant part of yourself, and secrecy tends to grow heavier over time.

There’s also a very real chance she already knows something is going on. Wives have detected affairs from a single misplaced bobby pin; I wouldn’t place too much faith in your ability to return an entire outfit to its precise original position.

Choose a calm moment outside the bedroom and explain it as plainly as you have here. Tell her how long you’ve enjoyed it and reᴀssure her that you remain attracted to her. Make it clear that you are telling her because you trust her and want greater honesty in your marriage.

Then give her room to react. She may be surprised. She may ask questions you find uncomfortable. She might need time before she decides how she feels. Her initial shock won’t necessarily be her final response, so don’t demand immediate enthusiasm or ask her to participate before she has processed what you’ve told her.

But, about this app.

Owning your kink does not give you a free pᴀss to experiment with other people behind your wife’s back. Your workmates may be having the wildest time since Studio 54, but the rules of their relationships have nothing to do with yours. Downloading an app to meet people with similar tastes would cross a very different line unless your wife knew about it and was fine with it. 

There may be ways to explore this together if she is open to it. Perhaps she helps you choose something of your own, or you wear lingerie during Sєx. I’ve done it, and I have to say… it wasn’t bad. In fact, I kind of liked that this guy let me into his secret fantasy.

But start with conversation rather than turning up beside the bed in her best frock and expecting applause.

If you’re terrified of explaining it alone, a kink-aware Sєx therapist could help you have the conversation without either of you feeling overwhelmed.

You’re enтιтled to own this part of yourself. Your wife is equally enтιтled to honesty about anything that affects the marriage she believes she’s in. 

So tell her. Just buy your own knickers first.